Shattered
by Rocko Elizabeth Ringo Starr
Summary: Faith reflects and makes a decision. Set during Sanctuary. *Warning: Character death*


Warning: Character death. "Last Resort" is by Papa Roach, the character of Faith belongs to Joss Whedon and all that. Song lyrics in //...// Takes place during Sanctuary. Instead of going to the police station, Faith goes to a hotel. Re-edited and re-named version, doesn't mean it's any better though...  
  
  
  
-Shattered-  
  
  
//Cut my life into pieces  
I've reached my last resort//  
  
Faith sat on the floor in her hotel's dingy bathroom, knees pulled up to her chest. Tears streamed down her face, but she barely noticed.  
  
//Suffocation, no breathing  
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm bleeding//  
  
She'd really fucked up this time. Seeing Buffy again just threw her. After what had happened in Sunnydale...Faith thought she'd have more time before she would see Buffy again. Time to get herself together. Angel really did a number on me, she thought bitterly, making me believe I could actually change.   
  
//Do you even care if I die bleeding?//  
  
They all hated her. Willow, Xander, Wesley...Buffy had been right in saying that Faith was a loser. The older Slayer had offered to help her so many times, but she had just thrown it all right back in her face. They had all been so nice to her. Joyce had treated her like a daughter; Buffy had been like a sister. For a little while, things seemed like they'd be ok. Then Faith had to go and screw it up. Seemed to be a common theme in the joke that was her life.  
  
//Would it be wrong, would it be right  
If I took my life tonight//  
  
"Fucking and fucking things up. The only two things you've ever been good at." Faith muttered under her breath. There was nothing she could do. She no longer had control over anything. Who was she kidding? She had never been in control.  
  
//Chances are that I might  
Mutilation out of sight//  
  
What if she just went away? Just dropped off the face of the earth? Who would care? Buffy sure as hell wouldn't, neither would Angel-or anyone else for that matter. One less problem for the world to deal with. Hell, she was expandable. The world already had a Slayer. No one needed her. No one cared. No one had ever cared. And why should they?  
  
//And I'm contemplating suicide//  
  
Using the edge of the sink as leverage, Faith pulled her shaking body to its feet. Looking into the mirror, she didn't recognize the person staring back at her. Dark circles under her eyes, an anorexic face. She barely looked human. Faith was now just a shell of her former self. The real Faith had died a long time ago.  
  
//'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine//  
  
With a choked sob, Faith slammed both fists into the mirror, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. The sounds of breaking glass fell on deaf ears and she just stared at the broken mirror. Some shards still hung loosely from the mirror's frame. Her reflection was now distorted and jagged, the image making her breathing go ragged. But she couldn't tear her eyes away, even as she backed up slowly. Her back hit the wall and she slid down into a sitting position. Faith forced herself to blink, looking away from the mirror. Eyes closed and suddenly she saw him. The shock registering on his face as the stake hit its mark, the feel of it hitting and breaking bone. Buffy was screaming something behind her, but Faith couldn't tear her eyes off of him. Couldn't look away as he stopped breathing, eyes still open and vacant. Backing away, she looked down at her hands and saw the blood. Eyes snapped open, bringing her back to her present situation. She looked down at her hands, saw the blood. She went numb and the pain barely registered in the back of her mind.  
  
//Nothing's alright, nothing is fine  
I'm running and I'm crying//  
  
'Faith, you don't get it. You killed a man.' Buffy had said to her. And Faith, being the tough nobody that she was, had simply replied, 'No. You don't get it. I don't care...'  
  
That was a lie.  
  
"But I do care." She whispered. "I do care. I do care. I do care! I CARE!" She screamed, bringing her hands to her ears and squeezing her eyes shut. She curled into a ball, rocking slowly back and forth. Tears ran down her face, leaving tracks in the dirt and blood.  
  
//I never realized I was spread too thin  
'Till it was too late and I was empty within  
Hungry, feeding on chaos and living in sin//  
  
She was dirty. A thing unfit to live on this earth. Angel had been wrong, there was no hope for her. She had let the power go to her head. The rush, the feeling of pure and absolute control. But she had never been in control. Never. The events of the past few days started to run through her mind, her memories continuing their never ending torture.  
  
"No!" Faith's eyes snapped open, her horse cry echoing throughout the tiny room.  
  
//Downward spiral, where do I begin  
It all started when I lost my mother  
No love for myself and no love for another//  
  
Tired eyes fell on a large shard of glass laying nearby. It would be so easy.  
  
//Searching for a love upon a higher level  
Finding nothing but questions and devils//  
  
No matter what she did, she screwed it up. But there was no way she could fuck this up. This was the only option left. The Slayer reached for the jagged piece of glass. It felt cold and surprisingly heavy in her hand. It would be quick, not a lot of pain. Not that it mattered anymore. A new batch of tears began to fall as she stared at the object in her shaking hands. She had to. She had to make amends.  
  
//I can't go on living this way//  
  
Placing the point at the base of her wrist, she dragged it upward, pain shooting through her as her tarnished flesh was torn. Her silent tears became sobs as she repeated the action on her other wrist. It wouldn't be much longer now. No more pain, no more anything. Just nothing. She rested her arms on the tops of her knees, watching the blood pour out and down her arms. Eyes remained unblinking and even has she started to feel lightheaded, she still watched.  
  
'You think I'm afraid of you? You're nothing. You're disgusting. A useless, murdering bitch! You're nothing!' Her own words ran through her mind. How right she had been.  
  
But it no longer mattered. Nothing mattered anymore. They'd be happy to find out she was gone. One less problem...  
  
Too weak to hold her head up now, Faith leaned back against the wall, a shudder ran through her body.  
  
"I'm sorry." She gasped, unable to keep her eyes open any longer. Breathing slowed, her head rolled to one side and she let darkness claim her.  
  
//I can't go on living this way  
Nothing's all right  
  
The piece of glass slipped from her limp hand and landed on the tile floor, shattering into a thousand pieces. 


End file.
